Not Herself
by AudiophileChica
Summary: Set after S2 finale... Brennan hasn't been herself lately... What's keeping her up?    BB, multichap, rated T for now at least...
1. Chapter 1

Okay, standard disclaimer, they don't belong to me, yada yada yada... Oh, and this is set after the season 2 finale, but references back to other eps, especially _The Killer in the Concrete._ Now, on with the fiction-y goodness!

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"Earth to Brennan."

Temperance Brennan looked to the doorway of her office at the Jeffersonian Institute where her best friend, Angela Montenegro was standing, a file in one hand, a cup of coffee in the other.

"What?" Brennan was confused. She hadn't even heard Angela come in.

"Sweetie, I've been talking to you for almost 2 whole minutes! I noticed you weren't paying attention about 30 seconds into it, so I just started throwing out random sentences. I thought for sure telling you that Zack and Cam were flying to Vegas to get married would snap you out of it!" Angela grinned.

"Zack and Cam are doing what?" Brennan gave Angela her complete, albeit shocked, attention.

"Did you not hear me say 'random sentences'?" Angela walked to the couch in Tempe's office and sat down. "Of course they're not flying to Vegas to get married! Besides, Vegas is yours and Booth's," Angela said slyly.

Brennan sighed. "Ang, how many times do I have to tell you, NOTHING happened when Booth and I were in Vegas!"

"Hey, I'm just saying! Besides, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right?" Luckily, Angela knew her best friend well enough to know when to stop. "Anyway, I was just on my way back to my office when I saw you in here staring off into space. What's up?" She put on her best concerned friend face.

"What do you mean? Nothing's up." Brennan turned her attention back to the papers on her desk to avoid Angela's all-seeing glare.

"Bren, this is me. Now other people might not notice as easily, but other people don't know you as well as I do. Now for the past few weeks, you have not been yourself." She looked truly concerned.

"What do you mean? I'm me." Brennan looked up at her, genuinely confused.

"No, Sweetie, I mean, you've been you, just different. You seem more distracted, edgy, a little rough around the edges. Have you been sleeping okay?"

"Of course!" Brennan answered just a little too quickly for Angela's liking. "Why would you think I haven't been sleeping?" Once again, the doctor's eyes were intently focused on the papers strewn across her desk.

Angela continued to study her friend as she sipped her coffee. "You seemed to be a little better when you were helping me with the wedding or when we had a case, but now that Jack and I are back from the Dominican Republic, and there really aren't any cases coming in... Bren, when was the last time you actually spent a full night at home, in bed, asleep?"

Tempe continued to pay attention to the things on her desk. "What are you talking about? I went home last night." She was hoping Angela would leave it at that.

This was Angela, she wasn't that lucky. "Specifically, what time did you go home last night?" The artist was looking at her with knowing eyes.

"I don't know, 1 or 1:30." Brennan glanced up at Angela to see if she was buying it. Unfortunately, she wasn't.

"Yeah, I don't think so, Bren." Angela set the file and coffee on the side table and leaned back into the couch. "Now, do you want to try again? And just for the record, I already looked up your sign in and sign out times in the system."

Tempe knew she couldn't get out of this one now. "Okay, so I left at 4am! Are you happy now?" She turned from the papers on her desk to her computer.

"Of course I'm not happy! You left at 4am and signed back in before 6:30 this morning! And I know for a fact that it's not the first time you've done that! It's not even the 4th or 5th time! It's been going on for weeks. Ever since we wrapped up the Kennedy case..." Angela noticed Brennan's typing falter at the mention of the former crime boss. "That's it, isn't it? All of this started when Booth was kidnapped, didn't it?"

Temperance didn't know what to say. Did she deny it and risk Angela seeing right through her? Did she lie and just claim it was because of her father's involvement in the solving of the case? Or did she tell the truth?

"Angela, can you come here for a sec?" Cam's voice carried from the platform into Brennan's office.

Angela stifled a frustrated groan and gave Brennan the _Evil Angela Eye._ "Saved by the bell this time, but don't think I'm giving up. We'll talk later." She picked up her file and coffee and headed out to the platform.

Alone in her office again, Temperance breathed a small sigh of relief. At least now she had some time to come up with an explanation that would satisfy even the toughest critics... and maybe even Angela if she was lucky.

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Okay, there you have it, folks! 1st chapter! I know it was short, and I'm sorry! I promise the other chapters will be longer. I just had to kinda set the scene with this one, you know? Anyway, please, please, PLEASE do me a favor and hit that little review button! Come on, you know you want to... LoL! Trust me, it is greatly appreciated! And I promise, if you guys want me to continue, I'll update as soon as the hamster in my head can turn his little wheel! Show some luv, people!!!


	2. Chapter 2

Wow! Okay, incredible response to Chapter 1!!! I'm so glad you guys like it so far! Anyway, I'm working hard to keep the creative juices flowing, so on with Chapter 2!

Disclaimer: They don't belong to me, blah blah blah! We all know this... LoL!

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Luckily, Brennan didn't have to worry about Angela coming back to finish their conversation immediately. She found out when she went to the platform an hour later that Cullen had called Cam requesting Angela for the afternoon. Apparently a witness in another case was uncomfortable talking to the FBI's all-male sketch artists, so Cullen thought Angela might be able to help. Since Jack had no current cases to work on, he decided to join her.

She spent the rest of the afternoon working with Zack on some remains from "Limbo." It was still strange to her sometimes to think of Zack as another forensic anthropologist and not as her grad student. However, since he received his doctorate, she found she enjoyed their new working relationship much better than before. He was truly a colleague now, although she was still his boss. Though sometimes she did have to remind herself to ask him to perform the tasks of another doctor and not the tasks of an assistant, but she was getting better.

Zack and Cam both left around 6:30pm, leaving her alone in the lab. She thought about her earlier conversation with Angela and contemplated going home, but ended up gathering another set of remains for examination. She and Zack had performed preliminary examinations on several sets of remains that afternoon, so Angela would have quite a few facial reconstructions to keep her busy throughout the next day.

Having gotten caught up in her work, she paid no attention to the time. When she finally glanced at her watch, she was shocked to see that it was already almost 4am. She finished up her exam, secured the remains, and headed to her office. She considered going home to shower and change, but she knew it was pointless to even think about going home to sleep. She'd have to wake up to early to even make it worth anything. That was assuming she'd even be able to get to sleep. Coming to the conclusion that the entire trip wasn't worth it, she decided to just rest on the couch in her office for a while, and then grab a shower in the decontamination chamber. Besides, she always kept spare clothes in her office.

She closed her office door and turned out the lights, leaving only the illuminated wall behind her desk to softly light the space. She knew sleep would be elusive, but maybe she could rest just enough to rejuvenate herself a little. Perhaps if she could at least APPEAR a little more rested, Angela would leave her alone for a while.

Making herself comfortable on her couch, she closed her eyes and laid very still, hoping sleep would claim her. _No such luck, Temperance. After weeks of trying, you know it's not going to work that way._ Heeding her own thoughts, she decided to try some light yoga breathing. If she couldn't make herself fall asleep, maybe she could get relaxed enough to slip into it.

20 minutes later, she was still awake. Her body was relaxed, and she could tell it craved sleep, but her mind simply wouldn't shut down. She tried counting sheep, but they were replaced by the image of a bloody Booth being held captive by Gallagher. Counting still figured in, but she was counting his numerous injuries. She tried to picture herself relaxed in a warm bath, but the bath water turned to blood with Booth lying dead in the tub instead of her. Suddenly the memory of her shooting Howard Epps's accomplice, Gil Lappin, to save Booth hit her. Only this time, she shot Booth instead.

Staring up at the ceiling, Brennan resigned herself to the fact that every time she closed her eyes, she saw Booth in danger, injured, or dead. Most people would probably suggest talking to a psychiatrist, but they'd find out very quickly that it wasn't going to happen. Talking to Booth directly was out of the question. How could she tell him that her current state was basically his fault? Well, not EXACTLY his fault, but... well, it was a somewhat twisted logic.

Tempe got up, went to her desk, and faced her blank computer screen. Powering up the computer, she figured she might as well try to pass her non-sleeping time by doing something constructive. Maybe using her brain to get lost in the world of Kathy Reichs and Andy Lister would allow OTHER portions of her brain to rest for a while. The time passed rather quickly and before she knew it, she had completed 2 more chapters of her new book. The clock now read 5:40am, and she figured it was as good a time as any to shower and change clothes. Rising from her chair, a slight wave of lightheadedness made her pause, but it passed just as quickly as it came. _Probably just stared at the computer too long..._ She grabbed some clothes and her spare bag of toiletries and headed for the decontamination shower.

She returned to her office 15 minutes later feeling a little more refreshed. She knew she had some time before her colleagues arrived, so she began arranging the bones of another "Limbo" resident on the platform. For almost 20 minutes, she had been hunched over the remains, mentally cataloguing the details, apparently too focused to pay attention to her surroundings. She didn't hear Booth calling her name as he approached the platform, nor did she notice the familiar sounds of the security scanner as his card granted him access. It wasn't until he was right behind her, trying once again to get her attention, that she noticed his presence.

"Bones, didn't you hear me calling you?" Booth said as he came up behind her.

Brennan straightened up quickly and turned slightly to face him. Unfortunately, another wave of dizziness hit her, only much stronger than before. Before she could say anything, Booth watched as her eyes rolled back and she collapsed, unconscious.

Reacting quickly, he caught her before she hit the floor. Glancing around the platform, he spotted an empty exam table on the far end. He picked her up and carried her to it, laying her down gently. Seeing as how it wasn't made for the living, he knew it couldn't be comfortable, but he had to check her vitals first.

Speaking to the empty lab, he went through the common checklist. "Okay, breathing is steady, heartbeat's a little fast, pulse not quite as strong as it probably should be." Mentally assessing the situation, Booth decided that an ambulance or hospital was probably not necessary at this point. He gathered Tempe up in his arms again, and headed off the platform to her office. If she woke up soon, she probably wouldn't appreciate her body's reaction to the cold, hard exam table. The couch would make waking much more pleasant... or so he hoped. He hated not knowing what was going on with his partner. Being in the dark about anything having to do with Bones was just unacceptable in his book. He knew Temperance would just tell him that was an alpha-male, chauvinistic way to think, but at this point, he didn't care.

"Alright, there's something going on with you that I don't know about, and I think it's time we changed that," he said to her unconscious form as he pulled out his cell phone. He knew she would probably hate him for doing this, but he had no other choice. "Angela, it's Booth. I know it's early, but how fast can you get down to the lab? I need to talk to you about Bones."

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And there's Chapter 2!!! Once again, thanks so much for the wonderful reviews! Now, if you could just do me a favor and hit the little button again! I know, I'm selfish, I'm asking too much, but... eh, too bad! I thrive on praise! Just don't know how to explain it. I hear good things, and it spurs my creativity! LoL! Anyway, depending on how busy my weekend is, I'll try to get the next chapter out in the next couple of days. Happy reading, everyone!


	3. Chapter 3

Man, you guys just have no idea how great it feels to read all your wonderful reviews! The crazy amount of support is definitely inspiring!

Now, a couple of people have wondered about why Seeley didn't immediately get Brennan to a hospital when she passed out. Don't worry, it will be explained in this chapter!

Disclaimer: Isn't mine, wasn't mine, and will never be mine... you know the drill!

And now, on to Chapter 3!!!

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"Booth, what's going on? Why did you HAVE to talk to me in person at..." Angela glanced at her watch. "...6:45 in the morning?" It had been roughly 20 minutes since her brief telephone conversation with Booth.

Booth had pulled Tempe's office chair out from behind her desk and positioned it directly in front of the couch. He sat there with his elbows on his knees, resting his chin in his hands. In response to Angela's question, he simply pointed to the form on the couch.

Angela's voiced immediately dropped in volume as she smiled at Booth. "Oh my gosh, she finally went to sleep? That's great! So why did you need me?"

Standing, Booth gently grabbed Angela's arm and led her to the far end of the office. "Yeah, she's sleeping _now,_ but that's not the issue. The issue here is that when I got here this morning, it took forever to even get her attention, and when she did finally notice me, she passed out!" His voice was now at a loud whisper.

"Passed out?!" Angela's eyes were wide. "What do you mean 'passed out'? Why didn't you call an ambulance or take her to the hospital?"

"Angela, relax! I caught her before she could hit the ground and her vitals were fine, so I brought her in here and put her on the couch. She stirred a little right after I got off the phone with you." His gaze turned to his partner. "She's just sleeping now."

Angela still looked a little unsure, but she didn't say anything.

"Listen, you're her best friend. You know her better than anyone. Now I know something has been off with her for the past few weeks, and I'm pretty sure you know what it is. Angela, please," he begged.

The artist glanced briefly at her sleeping friend before turning back to Booth to answer. "Okay, she hasn't been eating right and she hasn't really been sleeping much... or at all, really. She's spent almost every waking moment here working. She's wearing herself out, and I don't know how to help her."

Booth felt more focused now that he was able to get some details. "Why? Is she worried about something? Upset? What's got her so worked up?"

Angela hesitated. When she figured out what was bothering Brennan, she had told herself that she would try to let her best friend work it out on her own. But now, seeing her lying on her couch, troubled even in sleep... "I can't tell you everything, Seeley." She held up her hand to stop him when he opened his mouth to interrupt her. "I can't tell you everything because I don't even know everything. What I do know is that it has to do with you."

"What? What about me?" The poor agent was utterly confused.

Taking his arm, she ushered him towards the door of the office. "Let's go talk in my office so Bren can sleep."

The short trip to Angela's office seemed like miles to Booth. He couldn't think of anything he had done that would make Temperance so upset. Entering Angela's office, they headed straight for the lounge chairs.

"Okay, Angela, what is going on with Bones and what did I do to cause it?" Booth's initial worry had now multiplied.

Looking into his eyes, she could tell he was trying to stay calm. "Okay, technically I know what she's upset about, but I don't really know all the reasoning behind it yet. We started to talk about it yesterday, but things kept popping up."

"So what is it? What did I do?"

There was really no other way to say it. "You got kidnapped."

That was definitely not what Booth was expecting. "What? You mean the Kennedy case? That was almost 2 months ago, and I'm fine! What could she be so upset about?"

Angela sat back in her chair. "Like I said, I know the what, not the why. I was just trying to talk to her in her office yesterday about why she's been up here so much instead of at home sleeping. I told her she hadn't been herself lately, and that it seemed to have all started around the time you were kidnapped. As soon as I mentioned it, I could tell I struck a chord." She scooted back up to the edge of her seat and reached across to touch Booth's hand. "Booth, everyone knows you mean a lot to Bren, but until you were kidnapped, I don't think SHE realized just how much. After everyone she's lost, whether they came back or not, I think the thought of losing you was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Now it seems like that thought has turned into an uncontrollable fear that's eating her alive."

Booth looked up from her hand resting on his to her sympathetic eyes. "What do I do? How can I help her?"

"You have to talk to her and MAKE her talk to you. Do whatever it takes. Tie her to a chair, if you have to, but make her talk. She has to get everything out to get past it, and I think the only way it will work is if it's with you."

Standing, Booth walked around to lean forward on the back of his chair. "I have to get her away from here to do that. As long as she's convinced there's work to be done, she'll never talk to me."

Angela stood as well. "Go get her and take her home. Do whatever you have to do to get her to relax. Don't worry, I'll cover for her here."

Giving a little smile, Booth started for the door. "Thanks Angela. I owe you one."

She called out to him, stopping him before he made it out of the office. "Booth, just curious... why were you here to see Brennan so early this morning?"

"I know she's always up early, so I drove by her place to take her to breakfast. Her car wasn't there, so I figured she was here already. You know Bones. If left to her own devices, she'd starve to death," he told her with a wink as he left.

Less than a minute later, she watched from her doorway as Brennan was carried, still sleeping, out of the lab. _Boy, he'll pay for that... She hates to be carried..._ Smiling, she turned to her desk to start her day.

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Okay, so there's Chapter 3! I'm sooooo sorry it took so long, but I've been really busy and there was a writer's block thing, and... well, let's just say it wasn't pretty... LoL! Anyway, I'm probably not going to stretch this one out too long, so there should only be a few more chapters, but I'm still not sure yet... It kinda depends on what the reviews say. I can either make it a semi-short story and leave it at that, I can make it a semi-short story and then work on a sequel, or I can just make it a longer story and hope the creativity well doesn't run dry... LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK! L8TEZ!


	4. Chapter 4

Okay, so I know it took me FOREVER to get to this next chapter, but I've just been swamped! My cousin just asked me to be one of her bridesmaids in 2 WEEKS!!! So I've kinda been running around like a chicken with my head cut off, you know? Anyway, I've finally got a night to myself, so hopefully I'll be able to concentrate on making this chapter decent! So, thanks again for all the wonderful reviews, and on with Chapter 4!

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Having basically been unconscious during the trip from her office to the car, Brennan was understandably disoriented when she woke up in the slightly reclined passenger seat of Booth's moving Suburban. Looking out the window at the passing scenery, she quickly realized they were headed in the direction of her apartment. She turned to Booth and opened her mouth to speak, but he cut her off before she could make a sound.

"Yes, we're going to your place; yes, I carried you to the car; and no, you're not going back to the lab today. Any other questions will have to wait until we get to your apartment," Booth stated, his eyes never leaving the road.

Brennan stared at him for a moment, wondering why he sounded so tense. She didn't remember doing anything that would make him mad. Then, as she thought more about it, she realized she didn't really remember much about the last few hours, period. Returning her gaze to the window, she guessed it was sometime in the relatively early morning, so she obviously hadn't been out very long. The last thing she remembered taking a shower and then working on the remains from "limbo".

A few minutes later, they pulled up outside her apartment building. As she stepped out of the SUV, Brennan suddenly discovered just how weak she really was. She grabbed the open door to steady herself just as Booth came towards her from around the hood. Silently, he took her arm for light support, and began to lead her into the building. Still confused as to what exactly was going on, Brennan didn't object.

Booth used his key to unlock her door, and then shut it behind him after they entered. Still not saying a word, he led her to the couch and sat her down. She watched as he disappeared down the hall, returning a few moments later with a pillow and blanket from her bedroom, as well as the half-read book from her nightstand. She started to object, but he didn't give her the chance.

"Don't argue with me. Just lay here and relax," he said, placing the pillow behind her and the blanket over her legs as she shifted. He handed her the book and headed into the kitchen.

Booth walked back into the living room 15 minutes later carrying a tray containing a glass of milk, a grilled cheese sandwich, and a bowl of chicken noodle soup just as Brennan closed her book and sat up. He placed the tray on the coffee table in front of her and joined her on the couch.

"Booth, you didn't have to do all of this. I could have just popped in a TV dinner or something," Brennan said as she pulled a small piece off the sandwich and ate it.

Facing her, Booth said sincerely, "Yes, I did. Otherwise, like you just said, you would have just had a TV dinner or something."

Brennan laughed quietly as she took a bite of the soup. After she swallowed, she put the spoon down and looked at Booth. "You want to know what's going on, don't you?"

His eyes were soft and completely focused on her when he asked, "Are you ready to tell me what's going on?"

"Yes and no. I'm ready to end this and get back to my life, but I don't know if I'm ready to say it out loud yet... to you, at least." She looked back down at the food and picked up the sandwich again. Staring at it, she began to break it into smaller pieces, dropping them back onto the plate.

Booth took the sandwich pieces out of her hand and set them down. He touched his hand to her chin and turned her face to look at him. "You know you can tell me anything, no matter what, right?" She nodded. "Then please, Temperance, tell me what's going on with you. I can't help you if you don't. I can't fix the problem if I don't know what the problem is."

Brennan turned her body on the couch to face him. "Do you remember how you felt when you thought Howard Epps had Parker?"

Booth looked slightly confused, but answered. "Yeah... It was beyond any fear I'd ever felt. Gut-wrenching, blinding, paralyzing fear. Why?"

Looking down at her hands, Brennan responded quietly, "That's what I felt when you were kidnapped."

Thinking back, he suddenly remembered. "The Kennedy case? Bones, I'm fine. You and your dad found me in time. No significant or permanent damage done, remember?" He smiled slightly.

Brennan shook her head and looked up at Booth with scared eyes. "But every time I close my eyes, I'm back in that hangar. I have nightmares where all I can see is the blood from your injuries. Sometimes I dream that we were too late... that you were already dead when we got there."

"Bones..."

"It's not just that case, either. When I shot Epps's accomplice, I dream that I shot you instead. Or the Gravedigger got you instead of me and Hodgins. Or the blood in my apart-"

"Temperance!" Booth said firmly, grabbing her shoulders, forcing her to look at him. "Why didn't you tell me about this?"

"When I first started having the dreams, I thought they would go away pretty quick. I mean, even after all the things that have happened to me, I've never really had haunting dreams or anything. I figured it was just stress and they wouldn't last long."

"But they didn't go away." Booth looked at her gently.

"No. Actually, they've gotten stronger, more vivid and real. I can hardly stand to close my eyes, Booth."

"That's why you've been burying yourself with your work even more so than usual for the past few weeks." It was more of a statement than a question. He paused for a moment, then asked, "Bones, do you even know what happened this morning?"

Brennan thought for a moment. "Not really. I was thinking about it earlier, and the last thing I remember is working on a case from limbo. Then I woke up in the car. What happened?"

"You were on the platform early this morning. I came in to try to drag you to breakfast, but when I called your name to get your attention, you didn't even hear me. I finally yelled, and when you turned around, you passed out."

Tempe looked surprised. "I passed out?"

Booth nodded somberly. "Luckily I caught you before you hit the ground. I put you on the other empty exam table and checked you over. You know, pulse, breathing, etcetera. Since all of those seemed normal, I took you to your office and laid you on the couch instead of taking you to the hospital." He smiled slightly. "I figured you would have killed me if you had woken up in a hospital bed."

She smiled, knowing he was probably right.

"Anyway, I called Angela and made her come to the lab so I could talk to her. I sat with you until she got there, then we went to talk in her office. She basically told me that she knew the general gist of what was wrong with you, but she wouldn't tell me. She told me it wasn't her place and that it had to come from you. So I went back to your office, picked you up, and carried you to the car. And you woke up halfway here, so you know the rest."

Brennan sat and absorbed Booth's recap for a moment. "Wow, umm... pretty eventful morning, I guess. So, what now?" She looked at him with questioning eyes.

Booth took a good look in her eyes. He could tell she needed a break. "Now, you eat the rest of your food before it gets cold. Then, if you're feeling up to it after that, we'll talk some more. Sound good?"

"Sounds good." Brennan looked down at the tray of food in front of her. "Just one question, though. Why did you make a sandwich and soup so early in the morning?"

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Okay, so there's Chapter 4!!! I know, took me long enough, right? LoL! Anyway, it may be a while for the next chapter. Having a bit of writer's block, unfortunately. But I'll try to get it out as fast as I can! As always, reviews are incredibly appreciated, so please, please, PLEASE hit that little button and tell me what you think! Thanks a bunch, and love you all!!!


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